Series: East
BL Circus Title: degreeds
centigrade Fandom: Dir en Grey
Chapters: Oneshot
Gender: yaoi, drama
Language: English
Author: Midori [BluesCat-girl]
Disclaimer: Unfortunately for the members of Dir en Grey, they DO NOT belong to me.
degreeds centigrade
I do not know what time the idea began to prowl through my mind, perhaps it was there from the moment he told you what I felt , a. I've always been afraid of losing, even when I was there was something inside me telling me you were not all mine. Nothing should have changed, you should have been the same forever, but nothing was the same since then. I have often questioned whether I was right to express my true feelings for you, even if reciprocated, really do not know if it was a mistake to have this conversation with you. Sometimes, I try to turn atrásy not ever say "I love you, never that" I love you. " I know it is a selfish thought on my part, but I feel that what we should never have taken place, perhaps it was doomed from the moment those words left my lips and your reply was that my heart craved.
Do you really love me or is it a confused? You seem to cost so little to accept your feelings, while I was denying my own for so long. At that time, a question I had in the pipeline, something you always wanted to ask and I do now: "Why do not you tell me before, why waited to give me the way? "I already know the answer:" Because you were afraid I do not appropriate. " Is there another possible answer to this? Perhaps the real answer to that question has never been given by anyone? The world is full of cowards and liars.
Dime, Kyo, what are you?
--------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------- -----
The darkness of the night covered the city with a blue blanket dotted with stars black obscured by artificial lights, even late in the morning, the streets of Tokyo did not sleep, and the noise could be heard from anywhere, no matter how high it was. It was fun to go out and have fun, whether in a bar or simply walking; refuge in a cinema or taking a dinner at a small stand of many who lived in the city parks. As a backdrop, hundreds of smiles walking the streets no matter what the reason was that made them appear.
With the curtains drawn, from that room could not appreciate the beauty of heaven outside, although the neon turn off the natural brightness of it. A young blonde was sitting on a large sofa and, if I wanted to appear calm, you could glimpse that he twitched and uncomfortable situation. Perhaps he was to blame, perhaps it was the other party simply did not believe that the situation was so bad and so was only allowed to pass, as time would tell how to end it. With arms crossed and a cigarette between his lips, he continued the conversation with whom he was front of him.
- What do you mean?
She turned to see the face of the blond, it seems that all that he did not care and once again, it hurt. His indifference to certain aspects of their life together hurt. She sighed as she sat on the table and left the room to the raised, lowered his face and put his hand on his forehead, hiding her eyes. I was afraid to keep talking, but could not stop and forget the topic, let it go until it was unavoidable. Its ceiling had got there.
"Nothing is as before, we are not the same, he looked up and fixing it in the eyes of the blond. I want to be like before, Kyo.
- Do you think that I don? "Extinguished the remains of his cigarette in the ashtray on the table at which he was the other" I miss yesterday.
"Sometimes ... sometimes I feel like I am losing sight again-bent. It's as if you no longer ...
- What if you no longer want? The words came out dry and lifeless from his lips.
"I did not say that, quickly, his eyes full of fear sought the safety of the young in front of him. But now everything is different.
- What has changed? Do you? Me? Do both?
I do not know ...
With eyes are one over the other, the two young men sat in silence, an awkward silence that none of them knew how to break. They dared not to divert the eyes because they both needed to find something to give back what they lost. Anyway, what was it exactly that "something missing"? The major could not resist the look younger for longer, and his eyes rolled up to sit beside the sofa where he sat. Heard a whisper from the dark and instantly, he felt it was surrounded by a hug that made him hide his face in the abdomen of the other.
had risen, surrounding the lowest in a little hug as he still sat on the couch. Stroked the blond hair of the young with their hands. He looked down and noticed that the boy had hidden his face in her abdomen, smiled and looked up to prevent any tears threatening to fall on him. She took a breath to see value in what's next.
- Do you love me?
"I love you nodded slowly, his face still hidden against the child's shirt, with his arms around his waist on the other, making it a bit pegase dough into its body.
- Do you love me?
"I love you.
- Why do that? -A faint smile of resignation came hidden a new breath.
- What? He looked up and met the eyes of the young man about to be overwhelmed by tears.
- Why use an "I love you" like a simple "I love you"?
His hands grasped the most to them away from your waist and break the contact. He walked away from her and walked just enough for the blonde could not see that I was a tear rolling down his face. He wanted them away, but kept coming. I could not just could not stand the situation. Le overflowed, it came too large. Many nights he had cried for him, for the same old story, how many times he laughed at his stupidity when you realize he loved. Now, however, felt that after not laugh at yourself looking atrásy see how crying without reason, how their feelings and insecurities had played a trick again . He knew what would happen and only could expect to sit for the other to tell him when he had reached the final.
Again, the blonde's arms encircled his waist and felt some hair falling over his shoulder. His body relaxed a bit and throwing his head back, placed it on the hands more as he posed on the arms wrapped around his body. He could hear the almost inaudible and weak and did not avoid crying. Although everything was hurting at that moment just wanted to get lost in the other and not ever come across. Wished not to go through all this, but did not want lose because they simply could not lose.
"Not for a moment think that you do not want. You hear me? , Secured a hug and made the young man raised his head again so you can whisper in his ear "I never think that. You'll always be in my life, Kaoru, one way or another.
smiled with an infinite sadness in knowing that this time it was wrong. She felt a kiss on her neck rested and, thus, his body was showing no sign of tension. So, the end was coming after so time. Kaoru ran into the arms of most all the time it was permitted and a little more, inhaling the perfume that emanated the blond hair on her skin, trying to believe once again that the words were Kyo true. Kyo
Really loved him so much as said?
did you really even Kaoru?
------------------------------------------------ -------------------------------------------------- -
coward or a liar "? Honestly, I think it was only unconscious on your part, and that the only coward in all of this is me. It would be unfair to make you pay all the blame and, well seen, indeed one is guilty of something? Perhaps this had to be so, perhaps we condemn our own words and deeds. Sometimes I think we could have avoided, but even though I think I remember all the times together and I know that I would not change a thing. However, if only a small percentage could erase the pain that accompanies me yet, you might be able to move forward, it may not cost me much breathing when you remember feeling with me throughout the body.
A mistake? Perhaps that is what we in the life of another? I think not, but if so, I'm sure volveríaa make the same mistake over and over and over again, until you find one day that this error will never end.
Now, what do you expect me to say? You want an apology? I'm tired of apologizing. Although part of me wants to continue given before you, there is another that makes me get up and act in ways that do not want. But I'm tired ... miss you tired of needing you and do not find you, pass me sleepless nights mulling over the situation and found no answers to my questions ... I'm tired of your indifference when I'm wrong but, above all, I'm tired of having this sharp pain in the chest that will not let me live in peace.
Why I fell in love with you? Why did I do?
And you, Kyo, why you fell in love with me?
--------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------- -----
The sun still rose in the highest heaven, however, under the great grove was almost total darkness, except for small cracks through which trickled shiny timid rays. The weak wind whipped the branches of trees around the place, you could hear how salíaa water gushing from a stone fountain nearby. It was a lonely place, even though it was noon and the park is found in the heart of the city.
The brave young man stood, almost defiantly, to the guy in front of him. He had gone there to get something he craved and not surrender until they do not want to leave without knowing that, at least, had a small chance. Determined, she stepped forward, one thing that frightened both the dark before him, he lowered his eyes to deflect to one side. With a straight face, the boy took a deep breath, preparing for the answer to your question.
"Tell me, what I have to do?
- Huh? -The dark up just the sight, enough so that your eyes are at the mercy of the decision of the youngest.
- What do I have to do to be the only one who I think, the only one who can be in your heart?
He felt dizzy, confused. When did that guy in your life? At what time he began to notice? Did not know what to think, I had no idea whether their feelings were real or simply a refuge could not know if it really was something for the young or it was just a reflection of what needed. His head ached much like the inside of your chest and the air began to fail. I was about to fall again. If I could love that boy just as he does, maybe everything would be much easier and would not live in constant agony. But her heart had chosen, but now entertain doubt making any sense.
-Toshiya, I ask this because I have no answer ...
The young man bit his lip and clenched his fists as he watched the weary face of the elderly. Was expected that this was the answer. He advanced a few steps to get a few inches the other, reached out and stroked the tip of the toes that face still looked at him. He knew how he felt only a word he uttered, I knew who was well and see that it was hurt by someone else. He always felt the second before that blonde. However, it was decided and would do anything to try to move him, but never knew Kaoru I could love as much as he loved the other guy.
"I will find the way to be the only, a shy smile played on her lips as she placed her hand on the cheek of another. Slowly, I'll get you to love me even if only half of what you love him.
At these words, a tiny tear fell on the hand on his cheek. Honey, that was what this young man was laying knowing that they got nothing in return. With his eyes, tried to ask a little more, hug he craved. In a split second, he felt surrounded by the arms of the young, who seemed to have heard the cries throwing inside. He hid his face in the white collar young and said that embrace almost desperately.
was weak and he knew he could not fight the feelings that the young man wanted to show and deliver. Toshiya's hands are put through her long hair, setting them apart to see her face. Those eyes told him all the promises that had never fair, I could see through of them inside the girl saying she never would hurt. Perhaps they were only castles in the air and saw Kaoru only in those dark eyes that wanted to see in the blond.
Highest smiled in the face before him, wanted those eyes you mirasen only him, that those lips were just for him, which only he actually dwell in your heart. He tried to instill some peace to caress her face again. Slowly approached those thin lips, wanting to pose their own on them, but turned to the dark side. Stressed then your smile and left her cheek that tender kiss her lips had been rejected. Toshiya's hands slipped from the shoulders of the greatest to come back to her waist, approached as in the embrace, feeling the heat from the other and his returning to mingle in the narrow space between both.
-Kaoru, this is not fool-kissed the other cheek again. Only do what you feel.
-Toshiya, I ... really do not know exactly what I feel now, without looking at the face of the youngest, turned away slowly. Give me time to know exactly what ...
"I know, and I will not pressure you but ..." again to bring the most to him, this time pressing harder to hug him notice her decisió n-I will not ever give up, wait what is necessary. I love you, Kaoru.
I looked into his eyes, the decision reflected the increased almost frightened. This may not prevent posing those lips on hers, stealing a kiss that never bore his name. For some reason, he felt completely fine with that kiss, maybe that was the way I could tell his heart was just playing with what I thought Ely ; to feel. However, did not refuse the sign of affection of the young because, after all, needed. Somehow, it was an incomplete feeling, but that illusion was enough for now to keep it tied.
That boy was delivered entirely him, leaving bare his feelings, knowing that Kaoru might not feel the same and it may be that I never felt. That young man was all he needed at this moment, gave him all that eager to continue. If Toshiya was what I needed and offered him her love, why he could not reciprocate? Had before his eyes to be perfect that he had always dreamed, but he could only think of the blond. What kind of joke was this?
-------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------------- -
I think you have not realized that a single word from you is worth a thousand words of any other person, do not know what "I love you" from your lips makes me feel better that a hundred "I love you" from someone else. Gradually, I realized it, but you seem not to have noticed. The words of affection of the people are just a passing feeling, but yours are the heat for days living inside me and makes me feel alive, the same way, your words indifference and daggers attacked me and I can not avoid pain. Do not you know you're the only person able to get up really mind, the only way to kill me.
Did not you see I'm well for you? I wish you had fear of losing only to convey an understanding of how I feel. I stab it with a word and you seem not to want to see it. Try to wonder sometimes how I feel before I rudely respond to cold and indifferent words. They say love is pure and you must give without asking anything in return but what I ask too much? I just want what is right and I want to come to you, nobody else, because then there is no sense in it.
Someone told me once you are happy as it struggles to get what you want, then does that mean that once you get it, you're not happy? I try to fight diaa day, but it always makes me happy, because I feel that my struggle is in vain. Have you thought, and the more convinced I became, I felt I was beginning to miss. I wonder what I did wrong, if I can do something about it or if it has no solution. Sometimes I think maybe the pain I feel is unfounded and that my mind only invented it but if I invented my mind, why it hurts is the heart?
Dime, Kyo, what I do for you to continue loving me?
¬------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------
------- Back to the hand was the greatest, for a moment I had almost forgotten how it felt the warmth of the blonde. Still had hesitate to approach him but to his luck, Kyo put his arm around her shoulders and walked over. Kaoru let his face is on the chest of another, and so could hear the beating of his heart paused, the sound of these beats him in an indescribable calm down. With eyes closed, body groped by looking the other hand most of it, soon to link to yours.
So, just like in those moments, it was like he wanted to be with him, beyond the physical form, which meant feeling was that peace that flooded once were together. He felt the blond's eyes fixed on him, but did not bother to deal with those eyes because, deep down, not wanting to see what he thought the truth behind the curtain. One hand stroked his cheek, pushing the dark hair that had fallen on her, he opened his eyes and sat up a little, to almost get his face up to those who watched him. The hand on his cheek was still there, and a soft kiss caught him off guard. Taste of her lips was not comparable with any other, the warmth that emanated no one else could offer it. A delicate, almost chaste kiss that lasted all the time that the staff had wanted. Kyo separated and gave him a smile that used to soothe all your senses.
-Kyo.
- Hmm?
- What do you think will happen?
- What? What about what, Kaoru?
"With us, settled back on his chest so to speak further without checking her face. What happens next?
- What's that question, eh? , Joined, causing the young man stood up and departed to stay back to his side Did not we already had this conversation?
"No," turned his face to the opposite side of blonde. You just answered my question.
I do not know, "he noted proudly, hoping the other will look up to hear his answer, but no reaction. What you?
"I do not know.
Kyo's face changed to one of odd surprise. Assumed that the dark wanted to say something but did not know what it was, however, knew it was not a good thing. Lips parted but no words came out of them. Lately he had noticed that Kaoru was something wrong with him, but perhaps did not want to see the truth of the matter. What was supposed to wait now? Should then ask what would happen to them? His hand just brushed the hair of the child when he got up and stayed a few seconds of standing before him, showing only her back. Kyo stood up while he watched the young man started walking toward the door of his apartment, then paused. Is that going to stand there as he watched he left?
not for a moment thought that Kyo would go after him to keep him out of that Instead, he did not trust him to, so he headed out the door without hesitation. Not even to hear a few steps behind him caused him to stop on the way, he just continued, opening the door to be, until the other put his hand on it and closed a stroke. Was he holding? Slowly, she turned to the blond and noted the hard stare with which he watched. A wry crooked smile appeared on her lips almost imperceptible. Just stop it by the same pride? He again took the doorknob in his hand, opening the door again. This time, Kyo grabbed his wrist to prevent the march. A shiver ran down his back to feel the cold hand on your skin. I looked back, holding not so hard blonde look. He prayed because he does not loosen the grip, because it throw it to the inside and tell him that his thoughts were wrong. Not so. The touch of skin that slowly broke his own and those eyes away from your eyes to go to stop at the side of the room.
always knew.
¬---------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------- ----
See what happens to me? Ever minimally you understand me? Do not need pretty words just to feel good, because that happiness is fleeting and flies soon. I need something more. And you ask me what that 'something else'. Do you really not know? You
.
I endured so much ... I'm sure you do too, but I only know what happens inside me. How sad is not knowing what you really feel your partner? Maybe someday tell you what really happens and so you also do it, but I fear that day because I know what's coming next. I know ... but I have fear of losing you, I'm used to you. How could go ahead if you're not part of my life? I can not imagine life without you, and yes I miss you all the blame. In the same way that I can not imagine a life without you by my side I would not do it forever. It is painful to know something, have it within you and not knowing how he came to you. Scary. It really gives.
What now? How do I know which is correct? Please Kyo, give me a response that does not have to regret later.
¬------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------- -------
Although many hours had elapsed since noon, he was still under the covers of his bed. It was a day that did not want to leave those four walls and deal with it. It was behaving like a child, but that was something that seemed not to care at all. In fact, it was dying to talk to him, being at his side ... but I knew that the moment you see, the suffocating pressure regresaríaa the pit of his stomach and recant his decision as many times. Perhaps it was no longer in love? Not even he could know that. His phone began
to sound on the small bedside table, watched him for a few seconds before looking up to see who was calling him. Not picked up and let the sound itself ended. He saw the young man's name written back into the screen of your mobile phone. The incessant sound came back and he reached out to hold the fixture.
-Moshi-moshi.
"Hi.
-Toshiya ...
"I missed, the eager young voice broke in sharply. Yesterday I went through here ... not today ... I'm used to seeing each Diaye missed you.
"Sorry, Toshiya-sat on the bed and pushed aside the blankets that covered him. I've been busy and have not had time ...
-Lie. Open the door, Kaoru.
- Huh? She looked with wonder into the room I could see from his bedroom door Where Is?
"At your house. I'm against it.
For a second, the dark heart beat faster than normal and his eyes opened a little more. Even with the young man across the telephone line, Kaoru got up and walked slowly toward the entrance to her apartment. He stopped before her and watched a few seconds before putting his fingers on the handle just the same. Was it right if you opened? Perhaps he could still pretend that was not there. At the thought, held his breath as a reflex.
"I know you're there," the young man's voice startled him and a sigh escaped his lips without being able to avoid. I can hear the door.
took a deep breath and gripped with greater force the knob that had been rubbing his fingers, took two steps toward his body hit the door. Slowly opened the door enough to stick their view across and stayed in that position for a few seconds, watching the boy's face in front of him. Those wide eyes looked at him calmly, awaiting the moment to get into the place. A gentle smile crossed the face and Kaoru felt the sudden urge to close that door and not open anymore, but, for some reason, his body could only obedecíay stay rooted to the spot, with that penetrating gaze on him.
- Are you gonna let me in? Toshiya
turned off his phone, still on, and gently pushed the door with one of his hands, causing the other back off two steps he had taken at first. He closed the door once was in and came smiling more, he took the phone out of his hands and put it on a small table that had near the entrance. His eyes were so sad again and he smiled wider. Surrounded him in a hug that the other did not look back, but that did not affect him because he knew that he needed time Kaoru. He just wanted to help you make the decision.
felt that hug as warm as those used to give him the blond, but she instilled the same feeling. She hid her face in the young man's shoulder, though he could not match the hug. Toshiya further strengthened as a caress of his hands slid through the dark and long hair of the elderly. Although it felt good, there was something inside that told him that this was not right, I felt I was cheating Kyo to be with the young. Even without having done anything with the child, could this be considered a hoax?
"I'm a coward ... He broke the embrace
united them seizing him by the shoulders and away gently. He noted that the face of not looking more and his eyes were fixed on the ground, took with one of his hands his face, but Kaoru jerked away from him. The boy wiped the smile from her lips to see how frustrated he was the other and know that he could not do anything about it, but not surrender. He went and tried to caress the back of more but this, to feel the contact, Ely again separated completely given back, even with his head bowed. A Toshiya attitude hurt the most was with Ely, for that matter, I'd try over and over again until you do. Surrounded him with their shoulders and arms, but Kaoru tried to get away again, not let him and pressed with greater force until the other surrendered.
"I love you whispered before stroking his neck with a gentle kiss. I hate that he hurt you ... I hate him for it.
"Do not say that because you do not know him. He just ... "Never llegarása
love me as you want it, right? "He rested his head on the shoulder of the largest, having the profile of this "But wait for you. Not for me to miss you.
Again, the decision of the young man made weaken what little strength he still had that day. Is it finally surrendered? The image of the blonde came to his thoughts and something inside stopped the idea of even thinking of giving to the young. However, I was accepting of that love Toshiya the blonde seemed to have forgotten him. Maybe just was asking too much to the blond, maybe things could not give yet. After all, they did so long that they were a couple ... "But they had problems? What kind of relationship was involved?
Closing his eyes, he imagined that the body was stuck to his blond, and he fell into an eerie calm, however, with some trepidation. He wondered what would estaríay where in those moments when he was in the arms of another. A dark shadow passed over it to remind you that what I did was unethical. Wanted to dispose of all, forget everything, forget Kyo, a Toshiya, forget all feeling and affection, forgetting that he could not live a day without the blond. How easy it is to want something, how easy it is to say "If you do not look, do not exist." But there. No matter if you look at it or not, will haunt you until you admit it and then it will be too late to fix it.
no longer wanted to continue with this but at the same time, it was something I needed. Never thought that love was something so very complicated to understand.
¬---------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------- ----
Dime, Kyo, you know what I should do?
It's stupid not even ask if I have an idea what to do. I never thought myself in this situation, I always thought that you were the only thing in my life. Am I wrong? Do not know yet, nor do I know if only I engañoa me same with all this. If you engañoa you, if you engañoa him. Sometimes I think it would be better off without you or at least save me many headaches, but then ...
How do I not miss? As much as I try, I feel how you're going away from me more and more, I see we are not equal. Do not want to give but why do I feel at times that do nothing to prevent me go? You think you got me completely? You take a step and then not know how to proceed, That causes me to stop abruptly on track to lose all trace to follow. I think he'll always give the first step, but I can not give first steps of my life. Do not you understand? I can not live on words alone.
When my "I love you" became simply "I love you"? When did yours?
Please Kyo, sorry ...
